The SASUKE Report
by High Rhulain
Summary: Hey, even idolized prodigies are people, too - which means that they FAIL a lot harder than the rest of us. A report designed exclusively to keep track of Sasuke Uchiha's not-so-Uchiha moments. Oneshot collection. NEXT SHOT: Assassins. Toilets. Autoflush.
1. The Sasuke Who Stole Christmas

Every ninja in Konoha liked Christmas a lot, but SASUKE (who lived in an abandoned complex on the edge of Konoha) – did NOT. Sasuke hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season – although exactly why, only a few know the reason.

Sasuke was a little boy ninja with an attitude problem – you see, his parents and family and everyone else had been killed by his older brother, and so for some bizarre reason he thought he needed to do something about it. And that involved being grouchy and emo and anti-social. And perfectionist. And strong, silent, and hot. So, you see, Sasuke was the ideal person to despise Christmas, which is a time of family, love, joy, and giving – something Sasuke despised. Well, not really: if the family was his older brother Itachi, the love was in the kunai, the giving was into Itachi's throat, and the joy was celebrating over Itachi's headless body. Sasuke's favorite Christmas carol would probably go something like this:

'Joy to the world, Itachi is dead. I barbecued his head! Don't worry 'bout the body, I flushed it down the potty, and round and round it goes, and round and round it goes, and ro-HOUND, and roooound, and round it goes!'

Except he never sang. Or smiled. Or showed joy. Although he probably would dance and laugh and sing that song if he really did give Itachi a kunai to the throat as a ChristmaHanaKwanza present. Which would make everybody lolzbucket and die laughing.

So, Sasuke hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season – although no one exactly quite knows the reason.

It could be that his family was murdered and dead.

It could be that he just wasn't right in the head.

But I think that the most likely reason of all was that Sasuke the ninja was not very tall.

…hello, Kakashi dwarfs him. And he does have a superiority complex, after all. OK, so maybe not the most likely reason.

So anyway, Sasuke despised Christmas, but he didn't want to actually ruin it for Konoha until the day Sakura and Naruto made him wear reindeer antlers while Team 7 was out doing missions. Something inside him snapped, and he was from that moment on out to get vengeance on all Konoha for spoiling his BAD BOY TUDE!

So how did Sasuke try to spoil Christmas for Konoha? Well, the original plan involved rabid squirrels attacking and transplanting all the greenery with poison ivy, but that didn't work out so well. But in the end, Sasuke's Grand Master Christmas-Ruining Plan boiled down to this:

Get Naruto to do it for him.

Only problem was:

Sasuke: "So, dobe, I've heard rumors of Sand Ninja infiltrating Konoha. Whatdya say we check it out after mission?"

Naruto: "Uh, sorry, teme. I'm going caroling with Sakura-chan at the Disabled Ninjas' Home."

Sasuke: "WTFudgecake?! They HAVE a Disabled Ninjas' Home!? And you're going CAROLING instead of fighting? I pity them."

Naruto: "Sorry, Sas. I'm on my best behavior. Santa's coming, you know!"

Sasuke: "o_________ You believe in Santa?!"

Naruto: "Yeah! Kakashi-sensei took me'n'Sakura to the Kunai Mall yesterday and we saw Santa sitting in his sleigh there! I sat on his lap and told him I wanted like ninety-million coupons for Ichiraku's, while he laughed really low and looked like his beard was itchy and killing him. It smelled like rotting cotton."

Sasuke: "TMI! TMI! Wait- you SAT on Santa's lap?!?!"

Naruto: "Sure! Although Sakura thought he was a pervert because he kept jumping up shouting 'YOSH!' and crying and scaring the crap out of little kids."

Sasuke: "Uuuh…I think that was Maito Gai."

Naruto: "NO! It was SANTA, teme! How DARE you suggest that Gai is Santa?!" *thinks* "Although, he WOULD be able to deliver all the presents in one night if he had the energy of Gai-sensei!"

Sasuke: "Whatever."

Naruto: "Hey, you'd better be good too, Sasuke! Or else Santa won't bring you anything."

Sasuke: "I don't believe in Santa."

Naruto: "WHAT!?" *shouts at sky* "HE DIDN'T MEAN THAT, SANTA!" *grabs Sasuke* "You're going caroling, just to make up for that!"

Sasuke: "Katon: Goykakou no Jutsu!" *blows Naruto away* "Phew, I got out of that one…"

So, Sasuke's Master Grand Plan Part A did not work. Because Naruto was on his best behavior for Santa (a.k.a. GAI-SENSEI!!). So now what does he do?

Sasuke waited. Patiently. He waited while Sakura squealed and squealed over the bubble bath Kakashi and Naruto bought her for Christmas (that smelled like a fish's B.O.). He waited while Kakashi shoved a stocking on his head and pretended that he was the elf who bakes cookies in a tree (hey, Kakashi had a little too much sake, OK?). He waited while Team 7 went on endless missions to help little old ladies string up Christmas lights and decorate trees with kunai and garlands of jutsu scrolls and bake Christmas cookies in the shape of shuriken and decorate them. He even grunted a thank you when Sakura pressed a batch of her homemade fudge on him that TASTED like a fish's B.O.. She must have thought he was in on the bubble bath present. So Sasuke gave the fudge to Naruto and watched him foam bubble bath at the mouth while he dreamed and schemed dastardly things in his brain.

FINALLY, it was Christmas Eve. Sakura and Naruto had hung up their stockings, bought Kakashi's present (the new IchaIcha), wrapped everything, and gone to bed. And Sasuke's plan was set.

He pulled out the reindeer costume he'd had to wear at the caroling at the Disabled Ninjas' Home (Kakashi had bullied him into going with his superior height). He'd wrapped toilet paper around the hooves so they wouldn't clatter on the roofs. The antlers had had jingle bells on them, but he had prudently snipped them off with a wirecutter. Sasuke tied a black piece of cloth with two eye-holes cut in it over the front, so no one would recognize his reindeer costume. He was a mandeer with a mission!

First, the Sasuke mandeer went skip-hopping over the roofs with his wirecutters snipping off Christmas lights. He laughed maniacally as the bulbs smashed on the roads below. On the top of the Hokage's building, somebody (probably Gai and Lee) had strung two rows of red lights that were blinking, leading up to a circle with an S in it, presumably standing for 'Santa' or 'sleigh'. Sasuke viciously tore up the landing strip for Santa's sleigh, not realizing he'd doomed his mission by doing so.

The mandeer then slipped down chimneys and, to avoid wasting chakra incinerating presents, merely shoved them back up the chimney and onto the roof, where he couldn't think of what to do with them. So Sasuke sat and he thought and he thought, until he came up with a dastardly solution: stick them in Naruto's apartment to throw suspicion on HIM as the conniving, Christmas-spoiling mandeer!

So Sasuke pranced all over the roofs of Konoha, running back and forth from Naruto's apartment to drop off the presents while Naruto snored and snored. It was nearing dawn, and Sasuke was congratulating himself already on his success. His last run was to Kakashi's, to lift that copy of IchaIcha, when it happened.

Coming out of Kakashi's chimney, Sasuke was suddenly spotted by Gai and Lee, who were waiting excitedly on the roof to spot Santa and his reindeer.

"LOOK! It's a reindeer!" Lee cried, streaming anime tears.

"After it!" Gai cried. "If we do not catch it and make it lead us to Candy Mountain, we must bounce a thousand laps around Konoha on our left buttocks!" Animated by the challenge, Gai and Lee took off after the mandeer Sasuke.

So Sasuke started running. He looked back over his shoulder to see how much they were gaining on him, when WHAM! He collided with something hairy and snorty. That trampled him. Painfully.

Almost every ninja in Konoha heard the yells. Windows were thrown up and roofs stood on as they emerged to see the sight.

"It's Santa's sleigh! Why hasn't he landed on the Hokage's building?"

"Maybe the fire-breathing mandeer thing has something to do with it!"

"A FIRE-BREATHING MANDEER? CATCH HIM!"

With a whoop and a yell, everyone took after Sasuke, who ran for Naruto's apartment. He dumped the costume on Naruto's floor and flung himself under the bed just as Kakashi and Sakura burst into the room and stopped dead at the sight of all Konoha's presents piled up in Naruto's room.

"NARUTO NO BAKA!" Sakura thundered. "Why are everyone's presents in YOUR room!"

Naruto shook his head sleepily, saw the mess, and grinned.

"SANTA LOVES ME!!!!!"

"No, you idiot! You stole my presents!"

"Give me back my new scrolls!" Tenten demanded.

"Where's Akamaru's bone?" Kiba snarled. Naruto waved his hands anxiously.

"No, I swear, I didn't do this! Um…Uh…"

"If Naruto really did steal all these presents, then he would have stolen mine, too," Kakashi said with a strange gleam in his eye. He leaned forward.

"Naruto? WHERE IS MY COPY OF ICHAICHA??"

Under the bed, Sasuke frantically felt himself and suddenly realized that the book was on the floor – by his foot. If they were to see it, they would find him. He had only one chance, now.

"A-ha!" Sasuke emerged from the bed, causing a gasp to arise from the onlookers. "Here he is!" He held up the copy of IchaIcha and threw it onto Naruto's stomach. "Caught you."

"NANI?"

"I found it lying open on my roof," Sasuke said carelessly, turning to his audience. "I followed the tracks of the person who left it and came here. I hid under the bed to see if it really was him stealing presents." He turned to Naruto. "You were on page 59."

"EEEEEK! How dare you read IchaIcha?!" Sakura cried. "PERVERT!" She banged Naruto on the head. Kakashi frowned.

"I was going to suggest you were sleep-stealing, Naruto, but I guess this proves you weren't. Good job, Sasuke."

"But…but…it's not fair!" Naruto whined. "Why does everyone believe the teme and no one believe me!"

"Because you're the only one stupid enough to dress up in a reindeer costume and attack Santa," Kiba retorted.

"Speaking of which, where is Santa?" Ino asked.

"I think he was scared away," Neji said. Sasuke smirked and turned to leave. Sakura frowned as she got a glimpse of his backside.

"Eh, Sasuke? You've got a bobtail."

So that was how Sasuke ruined Christmas and pinned it on Naruto, who was condemned to community service for 80 years. And for the rest of Christmas day Konoha was filled with the sounds of Gai and Lee hopping around the walls on their left buttocks.

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**Next Shot:**

**I'm sure you've all been wondering why certain signs have been appearing recently over public toilets.**

**How the heck, you ask, is Sasuke Uchiha involved?**

**The public deserves to know**

**Ninjas Hide in Toilets - a Sasuke Report Exclusive!**


	2. Assassins Hide in Toilets

**A/N: OK, so apparently Rhulain has friends who think it's hilarious to change all the usernames to all my accounts when they come over...? I apologize sincerely for the random sporadic name change. Appropriate persons have been singled out and beaten up (:P JK!), so hopefully it will never occur again...and I will also never make the mistake of staying logged in again. **

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I'm sure you've all been wondering why recent signs have been appearing over our public toilets. I suppose you ought to be told the reason why. The public deserves to know.

Tsudane ordered Team 7 off on an assassination mission, the first of that kind. Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto were to find and assassinate one Chuck Norris. He was dangerous, or so Tsudane said, because he had THE POWER (DON'T mess with Chuck Norris. EVER. It's bad news - you generally end up DEAD.) Anyway, Team 7 really wanted to get going on this.

"YOSH! Let's GO, dattebayo!" said Naruto.

"Slow up, dobe," said Sasuke. "We've got to make a plan. Apparently this Chuck Norris guy can't just be sneaked up on."

"SNEAKED UP ON??" squealed Sakura in her mind. "OMG, Sasuke uses BAD GRAMMAR! SO BADASS!!"

(And all the Konoha girls walked around squealing "sneaked up on!" for the rest of the fiscal year.)

"Knock. It. Off," growled Sasuke. "Or so help me I will go find Orochimaru, the Dark Side, Darth Vader, and the cookies."

"Well, where is he right now?" asked Naruto.

"Who?" asked Sakura.

"This Norris guy," said Naruto.

"How am I supposed to know?" snapped Sakura.

Sasuke, meanwhile, was thinking. Hard. _This Chuck Norris dude sounds like a tough one. Since I have to get to the top to become better than Itachi, I'm sure this Chuck is someone I have to defeat._ He made a fist. _I WILL defeat Chuck!_

"Um, Sasuke-kun?" Great, his fangirl was interrupting him. Time for his all-purpose frigid terse reply.

"Hnn?"

" Why are you making the black power fist?"

He looked at his clenched fist. "No reason..."

Unfortunately, Naruto had been thinking, too. The pain was about to begin. "The guy we've got to find is named Chuck. Chuck Norris. Hey, doesn't Chuck sound like 'woodchuck'? Hey, Sasuke, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodcluck moud tuck...darn it, I got it wrong again!"

"Try: How much could a woodchuck chuck if luck..." said Sakura.

"Try: How long will Team 7 last if our luck runs out and we don't find Chuck?" growled Sasuke. Sakura and Naruto exchanged glances.

"Let's go!" said Naruto, and they shrugged off Sasuke's snappishness as being a random, isolated OOC moment. Which it was not. As we shall soon discover.

So Team 7 set out to find Chuck Norris. They spied here, they spied there, Team 7 went spying everywhere! And being Team 7, of course, Naruto had to flaunt his stupidity for the general public.

"Hey, Sasuke!"

"WHAT?"

"I spy with my little eye a really ticked off, stuck-up, blue-"

"It's me."

"How'd you know?"

"Lucky guess."

"OK. Um…I spy with my little eye a chicken's butt haird-"

"It's me."

"Man, you're good. Let's see…I spy with my little eye a black-"

"It's me."

"Why does this sound almost like a transcript about that movie with the fish in it?" demanded Sakura. Sasuke swore internally – for once, he would have been glad if Sakura had hit Naruto over the head. SHUT. HIM. UP.

"GEEZ! OK, once more. I spy with my little eye-"

"It's me."

"NO. It's SAKURA, you teme!"

"I spy with my little eye a little booger cruising for a bruising if he doesn't shut up and start searching for this Chuck guy!" shouted Sakura, her loathing of Naruto finally kicking in.

"OK! OK! Sheesh."

"Hey, Sasuke-kun?" called Sakura. Oh great, now she was gonna try to suck up to him. "I found this newspaper that says something about Chuck Norris."

That got our emo prodigy's attention. "Hnn?"

"He apparently kicked this guy called 'Voldemort''s butt."

Sasuke snatched the paper. "Let me see." He thought again. "This guy called 'Voldemort'…I'll have to beat him, too! If Chuck can defeat him, I MUST defeat him! I shall prove myself a true Uchiha by destroying both this Voldemort AND this Chuck!"

"Um, Sasuke-kun?"

"Hnn?"

"You're making the BPF again…"

So, by now, you're probably wondering what Team 7, Voldemort, Chuck Norris, and an assassination mission all have to do with these signs that have recently been appearing over public toilets. Well, be patient: we're almost there. So, Team 7 is looking for Chuck Norris, but having a lot of bad luck. So finally Sasuke strikes upon a brilliant idea, something he thinks will get Voldemort AND Chuck Norris into the same spot.

"It's simple. We hide in the toilet," said Sasuke.

"NANI?" said Naruto.

"It's BRILLIANT!" Sakura cried. _WTF?! _her inner self screamed.

"This way," said Sasuke, "when this Chuck comes, we will have him at a disadvantage. When he opens the door, he will be in a narrow space, and we can kill without mercy!"

The crickets were chirping.

"Wow," said Naruto, displaying heretofore undetected wit, albeit shallow, "that's got to be the most Sasuke's ever said in one go."

Sakura had stars in her eyes. "Sasuke, you're such a ruthless ninja!" _He can go ahead and do it, leave ME out of this!_ her inner self shouted.

"So it's settled" said Sasuke. "Naruto, come with me. Sakura – the girls' room."

"NANI?" said Sakura. "I thought that our target was a guy!"

Sasuke's face was completely straight. And serious. "He might be a cross-dresser, we never know. This is a mission, remember!"

"YOSH!" cried Naruto, motivated by Sasuke's not-so-peppy attempt at a pep rally speech. "We will stoop as low as getting into toilets to fulfill our missions for Konoha!"

*Neji randomly appears*

Neji: You do it for the money, you dope.

*Neji randomly disappears*

"Oh, right…"

Sasuke was getting impatient. "Well, whether we're getting into the toilet for ambition, revenge, assassination, or money, let's go!"

So poor Naruto was coerced by a power-stricken Sasuke to go hide in a men's toilet. Meanwhile, Sakura skipped outside and played in the grass, unaware of the dangers that lurked there, a.k.a. RABID SQUIRRELS OF DOOM!!!

So Naruto and Sasuke were hiding in a toilet, waiting for Chuck to arrive…maybe…

The top of Sasuke's head emerged above the rim of the toilet.

"Naruto, there's someone coming." The water in the toilet bubbled as he spoke.

"Where?" demanded Naruto.

Unfortunately, these toilets are autoflushing, and Naruto's got a big head. So when he popped over the rim, the little light blinked, registering that someone was moving. And the toilet in a supposedly empty stall flushed, sending its occupants round and round.

"AIAIAIAIAIAIAI!"

"ACK!"

When the toilet finally stopped, both Naruto and Sasuke were hung over the edge of the bowl like washing hung to dry. Unfortunately, that was the moment when Han Solo decided to step into the stall to see what was going on.

"Why are there ninja in the toilet bowl?" demanded the suspicious smuggler.

Sasuke shook his soaking hair and activated his Sharingan. "FIGHT ME, LORD VOLDEMORT!" he roared.

"You mean Vader?" asked a completely clueless Han Solo.

"And kill Orochimaru while you're at it!" added a knocked-out Naruto. "More ramen, please?"

So when the chaos finally settled, during which Chewbacca and Crookshanks between them almost managed to rip Sasuke's arm off and Shino almost got away in the Millenium Falcon, Ichigo Kurosaki came up with a solution.

"Hey, let's stick signs over the toilets so unsuspecting fantasy characters won't DIE when they gotta go!"

Ishida Uryu pushed his glasses up his nose. "Imagine that. That's the most brilliant idea you've come up with, Kurosaki."

" Hey! Stop using MY voice!!" * yelled Sasuke, who was pissed in general at the world because Chuck Norris had never shown up.

"Hey, everyone!" said Ron Weasley. "I got free tickets to Disneyworld!!"

"Who from?" asked Harry.

"The MAGICAL MERMAID!" yelled Ron.

Naruto jammed Mickey Mouse ears on his head. "Meesa JaJa Nar-uto!"

Sick of it all, Sasuke stalked off to the emo corner muttering dark threats against Orochimaru, Darth Vader, Darth Sidious, Darth Maul, Voldemort, the Soul Reapers in general, and of course, Chuck Norris.

Oh, yes, and Chuck Norris showed up at Thunder Mountain while everyone was in Disneyworld and thumped Sasuke's stuck-up butt for him, which really improved matters. NOT.

And that's why the UFFCI (Union of Fantasy and Fictional Characters International) has installed signs over every public toilet, saying:

CAUTION: FLUSH BEFORE USING, BECAUSE THERE MIGHT BE A NINJA HIDING IN YOUR TOILET.

This has been the end of the Sasuke Report, brought to you live from Konoha RABID Studios! We get the scoop on EVERY story! Bye bye!

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Next shot on the Sasuke Report:

**And thus, believing Tenten's bathroom window to be Itachi, he smashed it in and fell into Tenten's bathtub, which fortunately, she was not in. Neji would have skinned that man alive if this was so.**

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**lol I got this random sign idea and suddenly this stupid story popped into my head...lol I can JUST see Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura all hiding in a toilet and Naruto going up too high so that the autoflush activates... ROTF**

***(a/n: for those of you that don't know, the same seiyu is used for Sasuke as for Ishida Uryu.)**


End file.
